We had not given up the idea of having a child. The year before, a few
days before Rene had his first chemotherapy treatments, we had gone to a sperm
bank. It was obviously not the most romantic experience a couple could dream
of. But it gave us the confidence that, whatever happenes, our dearest dream
was possible. But I had ceased to believe that our happiness depended only on this
child. Of course, I promised myself that I would start taking all the necessary
measures as soon as possible. My gynecologist, Dr. Ronald Ackerman, had
explained to us at length the procedures of in vitro fertilization and
intrauterine insemination. And I had decided to go through the first steps
after a few months of rest. If, afterward, this child became a part of my life,
so much the better. If not, I was gonna live without him or her. That's what I
told myself. I especially did not want to lay a guilt trip on this child by
putting my happiness in its hands, even before it was born. I didn't want to
dream, to write any particular scenario. I wanted to take life as it came, and
not as I had dreamed it. Last winter, we learned to enjoy life as never before. I saw Rene change
a lot as well. He began to take his time watching the sun set, dolphins
swimming, or a cloud floating by. He also started getting the most out of the
moments he spent with me, with his friends, or alone. Even his laugh changed,
his expression. He's more aware of Others than he ever was, aware of happiness,
especially. He finds
crumbs of it everywhere . . . and he sweeps them carefully together. And he himself is amazed.
At the beginning, I would do nothing for days; I'd live without a plan, without makeup, with nothing but shorts and a T-shirt, barefoot. I didn't have to care about my looks or spend energy trying to find something smart to say in order to please the media.
And through all that, I've discovered small pleasures I could never have thought I'd have before. They're a sign, I believe, of a deep change that I don't altogether understand yet, and one that I'm not really trying to understand.
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